I honour of the beginning of another year of our awesome Bible College I present a few helpful pick up lines… only for use in second year

“We have to go to a restaurant now! Because I have been praying and fasting for you all my life!”

“There you are, I have finally found my rib!”

“I tithed today… want to help me spend my 90%”

“Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.”

“Your name must be Grace, because you are amazing”

“I noticed you crying during altar call, can I help?”

“I’m an Arminian unless of course you believe we are destined to be together.”

“I see that hand… holding mine.”

“Man it’s hard getting up for quiet time at 5 every morning, do you think you could give me a ring everyday just to help my time with the Lord.”

**results not guaranteed.

Ha!

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Love it.

Love the Arnold!

But the Morgan Freeman is just priceless!!

The 2008 World Submarine Racing Championships

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Once every now and then I find a joke worthy of immortalisation… here is the most recent.

I cipro mg had a Japanese intern once; I asked him to get some supplies and he never came back. In the end I went to look for him and he jumped out waving his arms and shouted “SUPPLIES!”

Ha!

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: HEY! Let’s ride bikes!!!

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” and he said “No, I’m just looking.”

(to read all jokes – click category link at top right)

‘Tis the Season to Eat – so here is the story of creation slightly altered:

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Cookies and Cream Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?”

And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained ten pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and it’s cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! and super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created Health Insurance.

Adam was walking round the garden one day looking miserable. God said to him, “What’s wrong with you?” Adam said “I’m lonely, I’ve got nothing to do, I’ve named all the animals and I’m bored.” So God said, “I could make you a woman if you like.” Adam replied, “What would that be like?”

“Well”, said the LORD, “she’d be kind of like you but kind of different. She’d be very beautiful and just looking at her would knock your socks off. If she kissed you you’d think you were going to faint. You’d find her ravishing, gorgeous, amazing. She would think you were the centre of the universe. She’d passionately love you, bear children for you, cook and clean for you. She’d get up in the night if the kids cried, she’d never complain about how little you do, if you ever had an argument she would apologise and say it must have been her fault.”

“Wow”, replied Adam. “That sounds fantastic. I bet a woman like that would be very expensive.” “You better believe it”, said the Lord, “She’d cost you an arm and a leg.” “An arm and a leg?”, replied Adam. “Tell me, what could I get for a rib?” And that’s where all the trouble started.

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ‘em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.”

Her trial starts next month.

(Thanks to Phil Baker for this).

Q. What did the Zen master say to the guy at the hotdog stand?

A. Make me one with everything

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with 1 John 4:18 which reads There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake John 4:18 … for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.