[Kid Inspiration]

Ten-year-old twin girls in Vienna, Va., were awakened after midnight by an intruder. It was a masked man who broke into their family home and went straight to their bedroom, police say. He grabbed one of the girls and tried to gag her, which woke up her sister. The two girls, who have been taking martial arts lessons for self defense, “responded the way they were instructed to,” said a police spokesman: they beat on him.

The ruckus awoke their parents, and their father quickly arrived and beat the man with a table lamp, but he escaped. Their mother recognized the man’s voice: it was the girls’ Tae Kwan Do instructor, she said. Police went to the home of instructor Andrew M. Jacobs, 42, and arrested him after he admitted he was the burglar. Police noted he had bruises on his face. (Vienna Connection, Washington Post)

…The good news is, he’s not all that good at Tae Kwan Do. The better news is, he teaches it really well.

(Thanks to thisistrue.com)

Adam was walking round the garden one day looking miserable. God said to him, “What’s wrong with you?” Adam said “I’m lonely, I’ve got nothing to do, I’ve named all the animals and I’m bored.” So God said, “I could make you a woman if you like.” Adam replied, “What would that be like?”

“Well”, said the LORD, “she’d be kind of like you but kind of different. She’d be very beautiful and just looking at her would knock your socks off. If she kissed you you’d think you were going to faint. You’d find her ravishing, gorgeous, amazing. She would think you were the centre of the universe. She’d passionately love you, bear children for you, cook and clean for you. She’d get up in the night if the kids cried, she’d never complain about how little you do, if you ever had an argument she would apologise and say it must have been her fault.”

“Wow”, replied Adam. “That sounds fantastic. I bet a woman like that would be very expensive.” “You better believe it”, said the Lord, “She’d cost you an arm and a leg.” “An arm and a leg?”, replied Adam. “Tell me, what could I get for a rib?” And that’s where all the trouble started.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Save the whales! Collect the whole set!

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live
above me are furious.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

If the ##2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still ##2?

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Caution: I drive like you do

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Quantum Mechanics- The dreams stuff is made of.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home
now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.’

It said ‘Insert disk 3…’ but only 2 fit.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I know Karate! …and several other japanese words.

Mental backup in progress – Do Not alli copare prices Disturb!

Corduroy pillows- They’re making headlines!

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ‘em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.”

Her trial starts next month.

(Thanks to Phil Baker for this).

A picture says a thousand words…

Q. What did the Zen master say to the guy at the hotdog stand?

A. Make me one with everything

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with 1 John 4:18 which reads There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake John 4:18 … for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.

Okay… I just had to post this up… Now this will make absolutely no sense if you are not a New Zealander, or a Australian… proabably… nowyou may know a kiwi… and understand.

This is written, I believe from an Aussie point of view.

FOR BIST EFICT RID THESE OUT ALOUD

Milburn – capital of Victoria
Peck – to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside – chemical which kills insects
Pigs – for hanging out washing with
Pug – large animal with curly tail
Nin tin dough – computer game
Munner stroney – soup
Min – male of the species
Mess kara – eye makeup
McKennock – person who fixes cars
Mere – Mayor
Leather – foam produced from soap
Lift – departed
Kirri Pecker – famous Australian business tycoon
Little crusps – potato chips
Ken’s – Cairns
Jumbo – pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills – Christmas carol
Inner me – enemy
Guess – Vapour
Fush – marine creatures
Fitter cheney – type of pasta
Ever cardeau – avocado
Fear hair – blonde
Ear – mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks – exercise at the gym
Duffy cult – not easy
amejen – visualise
Day old chucks – very young poultry
Bug hut – popular recording
Bun button – been bitten by an insect
Beard – a place to sleep
Chully Bun – Esky
Sucks Peck – half dozen beers
Ear New Zulland – an extinct airline
Beers – large savage animals found in U.S forests
One Doze – well known computer program
Brudge – structure spanding a stream
Sex – one less than seven
Tin – one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly – Precisely
Earplane – large flying machine
Beggage Chucken – place to leave your suitcase at the airport
Sivven four sivven – large boeing flying machine
Cuds – children Pits – domestic animals
Cuttin – baby cat
Fush and chupps – fish and chips

Well here is a short interlude for your day… This is possibly the funniest thing I have heard all month! I love the part where she gets out her bible to clobber him…

You will have to play the clip to find out what I mean… just click the link below (I’m still chuckling).

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

I hate these hoax warnings, but this one is important!!!

Please send this to everyone on your email list.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.

This is a scam; he only wants to see your bum.

I wish I’d got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

More Jokes… OK… well these are funny… Product warnings for those commen every day things…

Product Warnings

Due to lawsuits the following warnings are now required:

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place”

- On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

- On a package of Fisherman’s Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as a substitute for human companionship.

- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

- On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.

- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

- On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

- On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

- On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

Well here is the perfect object lesson for proving that some times God allows pain to benefit you.

I would be praising God the next time you get hit with a bottle in a bar fight… It might just save your life!!!!

Fox news Link

Vicious Attack Saves Woman’s Life

NAPLES, Fla. (AP) When a man struck Sally Hampton with a beer bottle last July 4, his unprovoked attack wound up saving her life.

When doctors began examining Hampton, 64, they found a brain tumor that could have killed her.

The tumor was removed, and now Hampton is fully recovered.

“It was one of the worst things that could happen to an elderly person, but in the end it saved her life,” attorney Erik Lombillo, who prosecuted her attacker, said.

According to prosecutors, Hampton and her attacker were in a bar at closing time, and she led him toward the door so he’d leave and the bar could be locked up.

“He looked over at her, smiled for some unknown reason, and poured the beer from the bottle in her face. Then he took the bottle and hit her in the head with it,” Lombillo said.

Hampton was taken to a hospital for treatment. During a test, the doctors found the tumor.

“It was basically a vicious, unprovoked attack, but the silver lining for this woman is her going to the hospital, having them discover this life-threatening health issue and making a full recovery,” Lombillo said.

Thanks to Out There reader Harley W.

OK, I know I am posting a lot of jokes at the moment. But I really found THE best ever email. In fact I saved the sucker for over a year in my hotmail inbox, just so i wouldn’t loose it.

Here it is in all its glory, 29 things the entertainment industry has taught us…

What the entertainment industry teaches us

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people –whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly blue.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fusion at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
13. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off–even while scuba diving.
15. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Here we go, more sermon fodder for your messages about kids. A couple more jokes about the knee high wonders in our worlds.

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was The girl: replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher: paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, “They will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, She’s dead. ”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..”
“Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Whenever I go to the grocery store I keep seeing children in the carts, but I can never find the aisle where they’re sold.